Some weeks ago I had a talk with a friend of mine and suddenly she said: “I really envy how much you love your body – I wish I could love myself that way too.” And I have to say, I was shocked, not only because my friend is like super fit and super beautiful, but because those attributes should not define anyones worth!
This conversation makes me think and wonder how I got where I am, because to be honest some years ago I was far away from accepting and even more appreciating that body of mine. I thought that my hips were too wide, my ass too flat, my legs too strong. I didn’t like my feminine body-type at all, because what I wanted to be was strong and I didn’t want any associations with softness.
Furthermore I even got my nose done – partly because I couldn’t breathe, but if I’m brutally honest even more because I didn’t like the way I looked. I was always wondering if people were staring at me, because of my “big” nose, which I’m now certain they weren’t. I couldn’t stand the pain of feeling ugly and unworthy and so I dedicated my savings to get this (mainly) plastic surgery done. And guys I tell you, this is a kind of pain, that no one could have prepared me for.
Another thing that society really shaped my mindset was the shaving topic. I was always so ashamed to actually grow here all over my body, that I plugged it. From my nose, my toes, my upper lips.
It took my about 20 minutes every shower to become that soft, hairless, version of myself that society wanted me to be.
And I could go on with that list forever and add so many more examples of how much I was at war with reality, with myself.
After really starting that journey towards my true self, pursuing my dreams I realized that I can not reach anything if I can’t step into the authentic version of myself, with all my flaws (appearance- and characterwise).
And I can only say that it was and still is a f*#king long and intense journey.
You might picture that healing comes with some flower rituals, some full-moon circles and some withe robes, but to be honest, to me it felt like I’m falling into this giant hohle. It was a time of darkness, questioning, losing and regaining faith, crying, doubting, and feeling all the feels (and allowing them in for the first time).
After going through all this darkness I finally felt ground under my feet again and I could finally step into my true self, where there is really nothing that I need to do in order to be worthy of (self)love.
And at first it was super hard, I really had to push myself to get to where I am.
I went out unshaved and danced and pretended like I didn’t care, even tho I really did care and felt insecure like hell.
I wore all the tight clothes and really embraced my feminine body, I realized that I don’t have to look strong to be strong and to feel strong. And that’s where the outside world mirrored me my strength.