Each and everyone of us human beings has their weakpoint, be it alcohol, work or even the desperate need of being loved. It took me quite a while to figure out what my addiction was. It was just recently, when I found myself daydreaming about packing all my stuff and imagined myself living a life somewhere next to the sea with my Laptop in one hand and my surfboard in the other hand. I got interrupted by a voice that sounded oh so far away, but it actually was somewhere in my head, just whispering the words I rejected to hear for so long.
And what that witness in my head said, made me face a truth about myself. It became so obvious, that I’ve made these daydreams come to reality quite often in the past few years and that leaving everything behind, or fleeing from everything, was one kind of a pattern, that I’ve been practicing to perfection for quite a while now. I realized, that I was addicted to the magic of new beginnings, to the unknown future, to reinventing myself, but for what price? First of all it was quite expensive to build a new life once a year, and also exhausting to find places to live, build new relationships and become a part of the social network. As if this was not enough, I realized, that I was so euphoric about everything in the beginning, but burned out so fast and never managed to finish long-term projects like studying or working for a company longer than 2 years.
So I decided to sit with myself and really think and feel about it and I came to the conclusion, that I may not like this part of myself, but I have to accept it and dig deeper, putting away layer after layer and eventually I will figure out, where this pattern comes from and how I can make peace with it.
I didn’t give in to my daydreams just yet, because this time I want to find out, what’s there to learn for me. I bet, what I will realize will be magic. And that is also kind of a new beginning . The beginning of an era, where I will not flee in a blindfolded way, but where I will enjoy the magic of looking closely and exploring myself a little more.